Saturday, January 9, 2010

My Third Eye is in a Coma

No matter how hard I’ve tried, I can’t seem to open my third eye. It seems determined to stay closed. I sought help from the Great Swami of present day, the Internet, to find a remedy for my sick eye.

First, I consulted a great font of knowledge, the source of all input and information, Mr. Wikki Pedia. After reading what he had to say, I determined that I was not Shiva, the Buddha, so opening my third eye would not cause the destruction of the physical universe.

Then, I read that the third eye was connected to the pituitary and pineal glands and is there, dormant, as an organ that will be needed in the future. Okay, I reasoned, the future is now! Why won’t the darned thing pop open?

I decided to go into “third eye training,” like Taoism dictates, “focusing attention on the point between the eyebrows with the eyes closed in various qigong postures.” It seems the goal of the training is to “allow students to have the ability to tune into the right vibration of the universe and gain solid foundation into more advanced meditation levels.”

I guess I Qied when I should have gonged or didn’t tune the channel to the right number, because I flunked third eye training.

Then, in one last desperate search for information that would save my third eye from eternal vegetative status—who wants a third eye on life support?—I discovered an answer in a book by the Queen of Metaphysics, Doreen Virtue. She had the answer.

My third eye doesn’t open outward. It opens inward. It’s could be open already, and I didn’t even know it. She says the third eye sees my true higher self, not this body out here that is slowly going south and wrinkling up like a week-old tomato. But,to my chagrin, I discovered that my third eye is closed.

It seems that first I have to get rid of one thing that happened in my past life, that little thing about being burned as a witch. The third eye’s afraid to look inward until I get rid of my fear of burning at the stake.

Time to consult Dr. Brian Weiss ( . .

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